Close

Open fingers graze the landscape of velvet
between your shoulder blades,
down the slope of your spine.
Such soft silk I have never touched.

I love the depth of each shadow on your form
and each thought and whisper held inside.

Lips parted,
a door you've opened to me,
your breath slides out, warm.
Lips parted,
I catch the next:
blissful connection,
warm.
I cannot fathom a close space without the faint beating of your heart
filling it.

My eyes were born the day they saw you.

The End

I've just realized that I was completely mistaken about most of the people I once appreciated.
They've all turned their back on me in favor of gossip, backstabbing and that Bitch Ass grapevine.
I hate that Grapevine.

How could I have known before that they were not what I thought they were - free and spontaneous and in love with the little things in life,
loyal, trustworthy, all the things that I try to be and that I expect from best friends.
How was I to know that they were completely hollow, fake.
They only care about gaining from others misfortune. They will gladly sacrifice any person to be the one with more friends in the end,
to get out on top.

Violence has been tempting me.
Fuck.
Violence is ignorant and I have always tried to react with words but words aren't enough.
Someone needs to beat the living shit out of them, beat the sense into them.
They are so, so, so, so wrong.
I just can't understand who could be so, for lack of a better word, heartless, also shallow.
My fiance was the one to use the word "heartless". While I refrain from such words, it does seem to fit perfectly in with this puzzle.
This madness.

I am now friendless.
And the thing is, I don't have to be.
I could easily suck up to them, play the martyr and get back in their good graces, but there would be no reason for it.
If I were like them, I would do it. Because all that would matter to me is being everyone's friend and staying in their circle.
But I don't want friends like them.
I want friends I can trust.
Friends who won't say one thing to me and an ENTIRELY different thing to another.
Friends who make people who don't even know me hate my guts and make my other friends hate me as much as they do.
I want friends who make me happy.
And these friends, while we've had our good times, don't make me happy anymore.
They actually haven't in a while.

It's just a sad thing to discover that you're alone and that the things of the past have come to an end.
The good times:
morning raves in the car,
group speed smokes,
road trips,
narnia's,
codenames,
"heart to hearts".

Over.
It's the end.
And maybe for the better. Definitely for the better.
I still have the most important thing to me, Dillon, the love of my life. We will never be separated.
He's been unfailingly here for me, through all of this.
He shares my hatred for all but one.
Besides, I'm about to graduate and move on.
I suppose that the severing of my ties to them will only make it easier.

But for now it is hard. And I cannot shake my violent hatred for their betrayal.

In two words, I could summarize:

This sucks.

It Happened

The moment waited for, dreamed of for so long.
If finally happened.
He has arrived and I am filled with warmth, so much the winter breath
can not touch me.
He is taller. But his eyes are still honey.
He is different. But the same in the ways that matter.
And I love him endlessly, so much.

My heart is disobedient to my constant requests for it to slow down.
It is no longer used to such speeds.
It's been slow for so long.

I still feel his lips.

His scent has rubbed off on me like it used to.
For some reason whatever he's wearing is always more powerful than what I'm wearing.
Because all I smell is him, not myself, my own perfume.

He's coming to my house on Wednesday to help me and my mother decorate the
Christmas tree.
Cheesy,
CHEESY,
CHEESY.
I know.
But who cares. I will be with him.

We made it. We really did it.
All the time spent waiting, miles and miles apart, thirsty for sight where all that satiated was
the sound of the other.
He's back and we're still the same.
I think the ultimate pain had to be experienced in order for both of us to know the ultimate happiness.

WE RULE!!!!!

in two months it's a year.
: )

I am the happiest person in the world.

Still

In the summer, we were
vibrant,
alive and warm.
We took our time and fit ourselves wholly into the
routine of loving one another.
Mornings were spent
and nights cherished before this terrible hiatus.

The winter has come and turned me to stone.

I wish I had been still.
More still, so I could better gaze upon the perfection of you.
More still, so I could better remember that perfection.
More still, so I could better realize how luck smiled on us.

Now I am still, though not voluntarily.
I am stilled along with my heart, still here, still loving you and always
waiting for you.

Here Comes The Sun!!!!!!!!!!!

Here comes the sun, here comes the sun,
and I say it's all right

Little darling, it's been a long cold lonely winter
Little darling, it feels like years since it's been here
Here comes the sun, here comes the sun
and I say it's all right

Little darling, the smiles returning to the faces
Little darling, it seems like years since it's been here
Here comes the sun, here comes the sun
and I say it's all right

Sun, sun, sun, here it comes...
Sun, sun, sun, here it comes...
Sun, sun, sun, here it comes...
Sun, sun, sun, here it comes...
Sun, sun, sun, here it comes...

Little darling, I feel that ice is slowly melting
Little darling, it seems like years since it's been clear
Here comes the sun, here comes the sun,
and I say it's all right
It's all right


He is returning.
Kissing him after those 72 days was...
ugggh. i don't even know how to say it.
perfect.
i couldn't stop shaking.
he's gotten taller.
his eyes are warm still.
i didn't hold his hand in our one minute encounter,
but the words were so bright.

he's coming back this saturday.
going to my school again.
here comes the sun!!



P.S.:
we've been engaged since semptember.
wondered if any of you readers knew that.

P.S.S.:
sorry i haven't written in a while.
haven't been up to it.

Sunless Universe

One of the things I've come to enjoy the most in life ironically comes right before one of the things I hate the most in life. The ladder being school, especially since the departure of my Love (the halls and classrooms are empty and unfulfilling without him there to greet me and walk with me), the thing I love being the journey to school.

Sharing a vehicle with my friends in the early dawn hours, before the sun has risen, with the music leaking out of the cracked windows and our hearts beating in time with whatever beat we've chosen, is absolutely the best way to start the day. In a sense the experience is a tease, leading me to believe that it will be a good day and I will enjoy myself, whatever circumstances unfold. This is wrong.

The moment I step out of the car is not the first time I feel alone.
Neither is the walk to the building which imprisons me and attempts to force me to open my mind to knowledge I don't wish to receive.
It is the entrance.
The moment I know that after the first period of the eight I will drift through will not give me him.
The place he used to come for me is now barren and gray, his image still there, an illusion, evanescant and shimmering, showing me what I'm missing when I realize that he isn't real.

I don't know why this has happened. I don't know when it will end. But I know that my life is deadened by his abscence. Even the music ride in the morning is tainted by the sadness which has taken residence in my heart since he disappeared. Basically, take every good emotion that I felt when he was still here and his hand was open to mine, and reduce it by half. Then take every bad emotion and multiply it by half. This is what I am now. An extreme on one side, an understatement on the other. The sun shines but not with promise, the wind blows but doesn't touch me in the same way that it once did. The sounds of the night please but fail to bring me the satisfaction that he could with every small and large thing he did. All the things I loved orbited around him and now that he is gone they are spinning out of control into a universe with no solar system because my sun is no longer here to give them a line to travel.

What am I going to do?

Without Him

Wondering constantly where you are, my mind has become entirely
Integrated with the effect of your abscence. Polluted with
The fear of a future lacking your return. There is no such thing as
Home and there is no step
One. No picking myself up from this dusty floor
Underneath the table which should display our joined hands, but remains
Totally empty.

Heaven cannot hear me ask for you. A new sound has surfaced
In my voice.
Mercy has overlooked me.