Sunless Universe

One of the things I've come to enjoy the most in life ironically comes right before one of the things I hate the most in life. The ladder being school, especially since the departure of my Love (the halls and classrooms are empty and unfulfilling without him there to greet me and walk with me), the thing I love being the journey to school.

Sharing a vehicle with my friends in the early dawn hours, before the sun has risen, with the music leaking out of the cracked windows and our hearts beating in time with whatever beat we've chosen, is absolutely the best way to start the day. In a sense the experience is a tease, leading me to believe that it will be a good day and I will enjoy myself, whatever circumstances unfold. This is wrong.

The moment I step out of the car is not the first time I feel alone.
Neither is the walk to the building which imprisons me and attempts to force me to open my mind to knowledge I don't wish to receive.
It is the entrance.
The moment I know that after the first period of the eight I will drift through will not give me him.
The place he used to come for me is now barren and gray, his image still there, an illusion, evanescant and shimmering, showing me what I'm missing when I realize that he isn't real.

I don't know why this has happened. I don't know when it will end. But I know that my life is deadened by his abscence. Even the music ride in the morning is tainted by the sadness which has taken residence in my heart since he disappeared. Basically, take every good emotion that I felt when he was still here and his hand was open to mine, and reduce it by half. Then take every bad emotion and multiply it by half. This is what I am now. An extreme on one side, an understatement on the other. The sun shines but not with promise, the wind blows but doesn't touch me in the same way that it once did. The sounds of the night please but fail to bring me the satisfaction that he could with every small and large thing he did. All the things I loved orbited around him and now that he is gone they are spinning out of control into a universe with no solar system because my sun is no longer here to give them a line to travel.

What am I going to do?

Without Him

Wondering constantly where you are, my mind has become entirely
Integrated with the effect of your abscence. Polluted with
The fear of a future lacking your return. There is no such thing as
Home and there is no step
One. No picking myself up from this dusty floor
Underneath the table which should display our joined hands, but remains
Totally empty.

Heaven cannot hear me ask for you. A new sound has surfaced
In my voice.
Mercy has overlooked me.

5/28/08: In People

It is an eye opening experience, discovering people.
Learning for the first time of what lies beneath their skin, a brilliant, manipulative curtain cloaking it.
My eyes are opened and in being so, I know now that
Ignorance is bliss.
My ignorance was bliss.

I can touch no one now.
They are all made of tiny poison ivy stars. To touch would be
To become infected. Visually effected by the cruel lies that each word they utter
is contrived of.

I think I might as well be on a lonely, starving island.
If this were so, I would not search for a way out, merely lie half sunken in the
wet, tempurpedic sand of the scurf on the bay
and wait impatiently for a wave to steal me away.

5/27/08: Losing Faith

I have come to a point where nothing satisfies.
I want to be alone. I want to connect. I want to know seclusion. I want to be close.
There is no pleasing me. I can please no one.
Such a misleading girl has never existed in the world.
And I am still a pine needle, invisible on the surface of the wide, dark sea.

My life is inversely proportional.
I need what I do not want and I do not want what I need.
I do not want to be needed. I only want to need another.
And I despise the roads of the heart but I miss love with a golden, yearning burst sometimes.
I pine for the completeness of being a puzzle piece, and I was for a time,
closely matched with another.
Our jagged edges met and made a smooth picture.
Seperate now, I am reduced once more to a jagged piece of a lost and most likely nonexistent
pretty picture. Perhaps it's all been nothing more than a dream.
And I, the gullible dreamer, allowed myself to be blissfully mislid into a fleeting moment of happiness,
only to better know the biting feeling of not having it, and that of
once having it and succesfully losing it.

Move

I kept trying things.
Count downs from ten.
From three.
Moment searching,
Self insulting.
Useless.

It must happen so fast
That I don't even realize when I start to
Move.

Her lips were soft.
They tasted the same as before.

You Won't

Yesterday the syllables drifted
Out of previously sealed lips. They still
Undulate. Unused, disregarded. I
Wish to continue.
Only action satiates and every second spent
Near you or away, the wish remains awake. Please
Take me somewhere. I want your lips.

Storage

Sitting in this humid cube,
There is nothing I miss more than being held by you.
Over the years I have faded. What
Remains is the shaded silhouette of a memory.
All that surrounds me is nothing.
Gaze upon me just once more. I am
Eternally photographed. Eternally stored.