A New Acquaintance

I have recently been acquainted - for the first time - to the feeling of being left.

He tried.

In those rushed minutes imbetween classes.
Everyone else was moving quickly.
We two were slowed down.

"Are you going to tell me what's wrong with you
or are you going to be quiet all day?"
I hate it when people don't reply with words.
After his shrug, the initial silence continued.

Approaching a corner, he quickly moved me close to the wall and we stopped there.
I think it was a split decision he made.

Looking back, the play of events is confusing because
he told me twice that he really loved me and when I told him that I knew he did
he said it: "I think we should break up."

The classic break up words of every movie and every book.
The genericness of the words are excused due to the fact that there is really
no other way to say it.
Unless you want to talk chemistry.
But I think chemistry is bullshit.
It ruined my GPA.

I said no.
He repeated himself.
I said no again.
That he could try, but it was not going to happen.
I kissed him on the cheek
and walked away with a bounce in my step.

At first I felt nothing.
I felt the same way I looked.
But then I didn't look the same.
From the back I did but from the front my face was contorting in slight ways.
My eyebrows slanted upward on the inside
and my eyes grew shiny.
I didn't realize how sad I was that he wanted to leave me
until I knew that the only reason I would be crying would be sadness.
Then it really came down on me.

I couldn't think of any reason big enough to end our relationship.
I leaned back against the world map blue of the tile wall with my hands on my knees
and my sights on the ground and really felt it.
I tried to memorize it.
Usually I am the inflictor of this feeling.
The inflictor of a feeling I have rarely felt because I have never been left.
The abandonment of my family does not count to me.
I didn't choose my family.
I choose my boyfriends.

So in the end,
breakup: failed.
Relationship: hurt but intact.

I am angry.
I am livid at his quickness to punk out.
If he thinks our miniscule quarrels are a big enough deal to leave me
I don't know how he expects to last past the threshold of high school with me.

I also thank him for awakening me to the pain of being let go.
Though I'm sure the pain itself is much worse than that of what I felt in those quick moments ensuing his attempt,
seeing as my severing was not completed, I do now have a small taste of
what it ultimately must sting like to be left.

Alaina has grown.
Three cheers for her.